You really coming over, don't trick.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
