party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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