why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
