Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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