I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
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