Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
