she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
