you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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