I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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