as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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