Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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