i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
