Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
