I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
that may or may not have been my penis.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
