Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
