i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
