just come out here and I will go home with you...
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Randomize
