Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I'm passing your future prison.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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