You just made me feel so damn special
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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