i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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