Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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