I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
