my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
