I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
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