How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You are a genius and a whore.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize