About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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