I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
