tell your sister to shave her snatch
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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