how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
that may or may not have been my penis.
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