If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
