Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
