tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
