For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
