His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
