Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
