his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
