The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize