And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
