I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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