Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
you mean i was at the winter classic?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
