I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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