my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
