Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Can Purell be used as lube?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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