she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
