Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
