he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
