i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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