After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
