We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
