Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
