have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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