Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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