I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
