Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
