Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
