please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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