I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
