guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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