My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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