he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
You did what with his pubic hair?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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