its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
