pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
