Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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