someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
