Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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