when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
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