hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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